This move hasn't been easy for me.  This is what I want.  I can't understand why my mom is against it so much. She told me herself that I had to move when school came around anyways. What difference is it if it's September or December?

I visited New Bedford yesterday. I missed my sister. I guess we bonded lately. Especially when we knew when I was leaving. It hurt to leave, cause this was something I felt I needed to do. When I hugged her, she cried, it made me so sad. I visited my house... and when my mom came out of the bathroom, she went into her room and closed her door, not once looking at me. It hurt so bad for her to do that to me. What have I done that is so wrong?

 Last night I talked to my sister. She told me after I left that my mom yelled at her and told her to tell me that she never wants me to go there again. I cried last night. Is this so wrong?

Sometimes I wonder why things aren't a certain way.

I wonder why you don't hold my hand when we go out. It's not a bad thing, but sometimes... I want to hold your hand and just feel your fingers through mine... and you always let go. I don't know why it disappoints me whenever it happens, but it does. And sometimes I feel like you don't want people to know we're together... almost as if you're ashamed of me. Maybe I'm overthinking things, cause I remember what you told me, and I thought to myself I understood. *sigh*

and i wonder... why you must insist on talking to me online AND play games when you know you can't multitask. It makes me feel like shit when you don't talk to me when you insist we talk. It'd make me feel so much better if I let you do what you want and talk whenever you're done. This would make things so much easier and perhaps leave me with less anger. And I just can't tell you this.... cause I know you'll stop whatever you're doing and talk about it and it'll just piss me off more. Or you just won't understand where I'm coming from and make me more mad.

I wonder if anything I'm doing right now is the right thing? I just don't have any more confidence in myself. It's as though I don't care anymore. There just isn't any need to stress anything, things will work out in the end. 

I'm tired though... let's just end it now before I go psycho with more crap.

I don't want to be me anymore.

I'm tired. Of everything. I wish I didn't disappoint you as much as I have. I don't know why I can't keep my word. With anyone. It hurts when you know you should change... and yet I can't bring myself around to it.

 Things would be so much easier on me if everyone told me exactly what they wanted and expected from me. Although pleasing everyone isn' t possible, I'd do a hell of a lot better if I didn't have to always guess at people's thoughts.

I don't know what to do.... so just give me a break.     

I forgotten about a lot of things lately. I've forgotten who I am. Have I been overlooking everything I've been looking forward to? I'm looking forward to college. My life really begins there, or should I say my path is set during college. All my decisions will bare results.

 I no longer know what I want. I don't hold much hope for the future, I feel so empty. This feeling is something all too familiar and yet... I hate it. I welcome it, yet I know I should look away from it.

I want to sit at the beach, looking at the water and think of my life. What have I done? What can I do?